1. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don’t work.

6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

7. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.

9. How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

11. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

12. What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real name.

13. What’s the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

14. What’s the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says…"

15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can understand them.

16. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

17. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from grazing.

18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? When it’s time to go back to his childhood, he’s already there.

Those are funny and I’m a guy. But here’s a few jokes ABOUT women.

How many men does it take to open a can of pop? None, it should be open by the time she brings it to you.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

Why don’t women wear watches? There’s a clock on the stove.

Why couldn’t Hellen Keller drive? Because she was a woman.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.

Why haven’t any women ever gone to the moon? It doesn’t need cleaning yet.